What I did on my summer vacation.
Or
How level 1 saved my marriage, and my life.
Starting at the beginning:
Back in April of 05, I first became aware of HAI.
I was looking for some solution to the ever deepening problems between myself
and my wife of 30 years. No marriage is perfect, but about a year prior, our
relationship took a big turn downward, and the slope only seemed to get worse
with time. I did everything I could think of to make things better, but nothing
worked.
Betty continued to draw away from me, in a pattern that I would come to call
"too busy, too tired". There was always a reason that she couldn't spare me any
time. I even came to resent her going to church, looking at it as three hours,
three times a week, when she was "too busy, too tired" to spend any time with
me.
I started looking around online for anything that would apply, any insight I
could find. Eventually, some link or other brought me to the alt.polyamory group
on usenet. After lurking there for a while, I was really impressed with the
maturity of the discussions, and the general open-mindedness that I saw there. I
gave a summary of our problem, and was pointed to a few resources, including HAI.
Apparently, we were somewhat unusual, in that we came to HAI through the net,
rather than personal recommendation. Signing up for the workshop was a pretty
big leap of faith to me, both financially and emotionally, and the scarcity of
information on the HAI site didn't help much.
Fortunately, I was able to find a number of testimonials from workshoppers. They
were unanimously glowing praise, but that made me more, not less, hesitant. I
know of another organization that uses member web sites like this to pull in the
folks they lovingly call "raw meat". My shields were up.
Still, I knew that we needed a solution, and things were getting worse. I came
to the brink of suicide a couple of times. Literally seconds away. Hope kept me
going though, and I decided that the HAI workshop was the most likely path to a
solution. There was one coming up in a month or so in the Midwest. So I was
ready to suggest it to my wife,
when she told me that she would need total knee replacement surgery. So much for
that plan.
The replacement went superbly, but delaying till August 19th was sounding like
"when we get permanent colonies on Neptune"
Time dragged on, like a raw wound across the coarse side of a cheese grater,
with a side of salt.
Things got just a bit better, probably because I was working an average of 14
hrs a day, seven days a week, and we just weren't put in proximity all that much
when we were both conscious. Instead of being my best friend and lover, my wife
was now "The woman I sleep with", with the emphasis on sleep.
Then I hit that other hurdle. The "clothing optional" part. Previously it had
been only theoretical, but as the date drew nearer, I knew that I had to
essentially lay down a $1000 bet that we would be attending. Now someone who
didn't know me might think that I would be ok with it, but in fact I really
didn't know whether Betty or I would have the bigger problem with it.
I quit high school because I couldn't graduate without taking a PE class, and
that would require "THE SHOWER SCENE". For as long as I can remember, I’ve used
stalls in bathrooms, and cut myself out of any situation that might resemble the
shower scene. My wife didn't have that problem, so in that respect, she was well
ahead of me.
I finally came to the decision that if the solution to our problems was in doing
this workshop, then I would do whatever it took. Now I just had to go to her
with it.
I did consider what I later learned is called "Haijacking" her to the workshop,
but that didn't sit well with me. Desperation, and fear that she would refuse
were calling me to haijack her, but I just couldn't do it. I contacted Deb and
Norm, and asked my sister about it, and got confirmation of the answers that I
knew were right from the start. So, I laid it all out in front of her, with the
word 'OPTIONAL' double underlined. I think she, in her own way, was as desperate
for a solution as I was, because she agreed to go to the workshop. She did
mention in a completely non-subtle way, that there was NO WAY IN HELL THAT SHE
WAS GOING TO TAKE HER CLOTHES OFF. "Ok", I said, it says right here that you
don't have to... We were at least in agreement that we wanted to find a
solution. I knew that I was doing something wrong, and I had a pretty good idea
that I would discover some unpleasant things about myself. (I had NO idea.....)
So now you know the Steve and Betty who walked in the door there late on Friday,
after a 4 hour drive, an unplanned timezone change, and an hour sitting in
traffic less than 10 miles from the workshop.
Little did we know just how different we would be after a year-long weekend that
seemed to pass in a flash!
For me, the first time through the hand on heart was interesting. At the start I
was a little uneasy, but again and again, I saw nothing but trust and love in
the eyes of this batch of total strangers. An hour before, we would have walked
right past any of you on the street and not given you a single thought.
The first evening went well, and really made us feel at home in the workshop.
Come bedtime, we were both exhausted, and the gentle rain on the roof helped
suppress my rising apprehension of the ordeal that I knew was coming with the
morning light. Remember the shower scene? I hadn't forgotten, I can assure you!
Sleep came quickly.
Morning came, and I found myself moving toward the 'Shower of Terror' on
autopilot. Not afraid, but not exactly comfortable. As I commented at the time,
I felt that I ought to have a big alarm bell going off, but it just wasn't
happening. All the wiring was there, and I could feel the relay clicking away
like mad, but it didn't seem to be connected to anything. A very odd feeling on
the whole. The whole thing started to seem rather trivial and silly. I finally
figured out the key. I'd never had any experiences that would give me confidence
in this direction. I'd also had a bunch of "nude=bad" programming as a child,
and obviously a high school locker room is pretty much the polar opposite of the
room of love. While that wall isn't gone, it's changed from a steel bulkhead to
more of a low curb, possibly with a wheelchair ramp.
Intimately touching another man was another thing that for me couldn't have
happened before that magic weekend. Bigger surprises were in store though.
From the beginning of the workshop, lots of emphasis was placed on privacy and
choice. Also, I was being shown, for the first time in my life, the differences
between sex, love, and intimacy. This would lead me to my first big traumatic
revelation later that night.
The CO moment:
Somehow this came as a shock, because I had gotten the idea that this came later
on in the program, and I would have more time to get used to the idea. I knew
intellectually, that there was nothing wrong with nudity in the appropriate
times and places. At this point, it wasn't "real" to me yet.
I had already come to the conclusion that nothing but good could come from the
weekend, and had decided to push my limits as far as they would go. So after the
momentary panic subsided, I simply disrobed. I was wondering what Betty had
decided, and had one amusing moment of "What if I'm the only one.... :)"
Imagine my surprise when I saw Mrs. "no way in hell" standing there next to me,
also nude! I really felt proud for her. (still do!) I sort of forgot to marvel
at my own leap of faith there.
I can certainly see why we aren't told in advance exactly what is coming, and I
began to appreciate the logic in having us choose partners without knowing what
we are choosing for. As I understand it now, the point is to underline that it
really doesn’t matter who you choose. Two recurrent themes present themselves:
"Just by being you, you help me grow", and "I know you, you're just like me!" I
keep discovering deeper layers of meaning in the exercises.
As I discovered Saturday afternoon, I did have some debris left from a work
relationship with a gay engineer. He took my trust and abused it beyond belief.
I had thought that after more than a decade, I had discarded those issues, but
some of it was still there, and it was interfering with my relationship with
another engineer that I am currently working on a problem with. After the
workshop, I was finally able to entirely drop my guard with him, and stop seeing
everything that happened in the debugging process as a personal attack. It
allowed us to solve a critical problem for a client, in time to save their
project from failure.
Saturday night:
After lights out, I laid there, unable to sleep, with thought fragments chasing
themselves through my head over and over. I don't know what time it was, during
that endless night, that I made what would turn out to be the first major
revelation of the weekend. Suddenly, I knew why we had been drifting apart, and
what I was doing that made it worse!
In my ignorance, I had interpreted Betty's sudden lack of interest in sex, as
her pulling away from me. I had begun to view the world only in those terms, and
to me, it seemed like her only interest in me was for paychecks and taxi
service. Looking back, I can't imagine what I was thinking, but I started to
demand sex from her, with increasingly bad results. From my new point of view, I
see that this was exactly the wrong thing to do.
For the rest of the night, I thought back over the years, all the things I had
done... I knew I couldn't undo any of it. As it started getting light, I decided
the only thing that I could do, was to make a clean start of it. Using my new
toolset for this sort of major surgery carried a lot of fear, but as time went
on, I knew that this was the right thing to do. I had to ask her to marry me
again, in front of the group.
First, I had to put Betty at choice in the matter. I had to put her in a
position to say "no". The only thing I could think of was to release her from
our marriage vows. While this would be unofficial, not being effected by a legal
divorce, I decided that if she said no, that I would immediately return home,
and file an uncontested divorce as soon as possible. The other complication that
I saw, was that the process of putting her at choice would really scare her. I
never did figure a way out of that one.
All morning, I felt disturbed and uneasy. I came to really understand the
expression of having a knot in your stomach. Eventually, I decided to float the
idea with Felicia (one of our facilitators) as I wasn't sure whether this was
appropriate for group share or not.
When I was able to talk to Felicia, I was barely able to get the words out. She
asked how that might affect Betty, and whether I'd entertained the idea of her
refusing me. We talked about it for a few minutes, and she told me that it would
be fine, and I could pick the time.
As luck would have it, we had left our rings and watches in the car, as they had
asked for a minimum of jewelry during the workshop, so I went out to the car on
some pretense or other and returned with her engagement ring hidden in my
pocket. (Clothing does have its uses!)
I must have run it in my head a thousand times that morning, so what follows is
what I remember, but may not be word for word, what happened.
At some point that morning, on "Miracle Sunday", I decided it was time, and went
up for the share. My memory of this is like a car accident, some parts are
crystal clear, and others so foggy that only the events on either side convince
me that they happened at all.
I am pretty sure that I talked about my new understanding of sex, love and
intimacy. I'm pretty sure that I explained how in confusing these, I had managed
to drive Betty away from me. At some point, when I had made as much sense of it
as I could, I asked Betty to join me.
With much fumbling of the microphone, I explained to her about choice, and that
I understood now that it would be meaningless for her to say yes, unless she
could also say no. I could see that she was terrified at what might be coming,
and this only made it harder to say what came next. In order that she could
really make that choice, I told her that I was releasing her from our marriage
vows. Then, on one knee, I asked her, knowing all the ways that I had wronged
her over the years, if she would marry me. I was in such an emotional whirlpool
that I almost didn't hear her say "yes". I'm not sure what happened after that,
but apparently we returned to our seats somehow.
The thing was, at this point, she had a fuller understanding of what I had done
to her than I did. When I finally made that connection, it would almost cost us
our lives.
After I calmed down from that catharsis, the rest of the workshop went on
normally, if such a word can apply. What a special, loving, and timeless place
that is. To snag a phrase from Heinlein, there was "Time Enough for Love". (if
you haven't read it, I highly recommend it).
Finally that bittersweet moment came to pass, the closing hand-on-heart. How can
I describe this in words? Seeing all these people, who had started out as total
strangers, now possibly for the last time as intimate friends. Re-living those
workshop fears and tears, and the joy of releasing those shackles of pain. I am
still moved to tears by reliving that moment. I do think the closing hand on
heart should go at about half speed. I could feel every second slipping away.
And so, with a little cleanup help at the end, we finally packed up and headed
home. A fellow on usenet had warned me not to plan on getting anything done on
Monday though, so we went on with our plan to head about halfway home, grab a
motel, and then arrive home mid-day Monday. So we drove home in the weekend
traffic, unaware of the second half of this drama that was about to hit.
At some point in the workshop, Betty became aware of why she had begun pulling
away from me. In the spring of the previous year, the company that I was working
for decided to terminate the project I was working on. Not long after that, my
older daughter was date-raped.
Betty ended transferring the rape to me. Unfortunately, she also had a habit of
a "no" during sex that frequently became a "yes" if pressed. The two are a
dangerous combination. As Betty was explaining this to me, I could feel the
beginning of another understanding coming on. I should have pulled off the road
immediately, but it all hit me in a moment.
In my ignorance, and trying to follow the old game plan, something very evil
happened. I had been raping my wife! At this point, I was dizzy, physically
sick, and my vision went black. I quite literally could not see the road ahead,
as we flew along at 70 mph. I drifted a fair way to the right, and pulled back
instinctively when I hit the rumble strip. About then my vision cleared
somewhat, and I was able to avoid colliding with whatever was in the left lane.
We took the next exit for some hugs and a time-out.
We spent the rest of the day working out our new relationship, and establishing
some boundaries, spelling them out in as much detail as possible. We don't want
to be saying the same thing, but meaning something completely different. I was
still coming to terms with the fact that Betty was willing to marry me. After
all, when I asked her on Sunday morning, I had only a partial appreciation of
what a shit I'd been to her. She understood it far better than I did, at that
point, yet she still said "Yes". What an amazing woman.
That evening, we enjoyed our first real evening of intimacy in many years.
We set up a "sacred time" of 3pm till whenever on Tuesdays, which is going
pretty well. It could be better, but the practical matters of keeping up with
two daughters and two granddaughters living in a small house are pretty
demanding. Still, we aim to firmly establish the custom, and have set Sunday
afternoon as make-up time in case of any unavoidable interruptions.
There were so many things that happened that weekend, and I don't mean to slight
anyone by omission. On the whole though, I think those stories are more proper
for you to share. Each exercise that I did with you, every moment of
conversation, allowed me to open up a little more. They allowed me to see things
differently, or in the experiences I value most, to help someone else through a
wall of pain.
So now that we've come to the end of the ride, the screaming has stopped, and we
exit the coaster to our left, one thought remains...
CAN WE GO AGAIN?!
Of course we've already signed up for level two.
:)
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