PO Box 55045, Phoenix AZ 85078-5045
Promoting Intimacy and Other-Centered Sexuality
COPYRIGHTED 1997-2000 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED - MAY BE REPRINTED OR QUOTED FROM ONLY IF CREDIT IS GIVEN LIBERATED CHRISTIANS, MAILING ADDRESS IS SHOWN AND WE ARE SENT A COPY OF PUBLICATION.
On the Humorous Side But Often With Deeper Meaning
Pfizer Corp. announced today that VIAGRA will soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails," "highballs" and just a good old fashioned "stiff drink." Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: "MOUNT & DO."
Church Sign Bloobers
Don't let worry kill you. Let the Church help.
Thursday night - potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
Tuesday at 4 pm there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.
Thursday at 5 pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his private study.
The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.
Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
The associate minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
A lady approached her priest and said, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing: "Hi, we're prostitutes; do you want to have some fun?"
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but, I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots to my house. I will put them with my two male talking parrots, which I taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."
The next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and are praying in their cage.
The lady puts her female parrots in the cage with the male parrots, and the female parrots immediately say, "Hi, we're prostitutes; do you want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks over to the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put those beads away. Our prayers have been answered!!!"
Why Fall, Why Not Stand In Love?
"I wonder why it's called 'falling in love' instead of 'standing in love'? Something about control and balance? Is the task, then, to move from falling to standing? i.e. conscious creation as suggested?" Source: Brett Hill (Loving More) on firstname.lastname@example.org
Swedish maids protest "Over-excited" guests
STOCKHOLM, March 25 (Reuters) - A group of Swedish chambermaids are seeking protection from male hotel customers who become ``over-excited'' after watching pornography on television.
In an article published in Saturday's Aftonbladet daily, the group, members of the Swedish Hotel Workers Federation, called for the maids to be given alarms to use in case of attack.
``Chambermaids are always having to come face to face with over-excited guests watching porn movies,'' they said, demanding the maids be allowed to work in pairs.
The group said their work had become physically disgusting since hard-core pornography was shown in hotels.
``We have to dry off sticky television screens and clean stained sheets as well as picking up used tissues thrown under beds,'' they said.
The moves for protection came as a Swedish minister said politicians should boycott hotels where pornography is shown on television.
Equality Minister Margareta Winberg said Swedish politicians and civil servants should only stay in hotels both in and outside the country which do not broadcast pornography.
Winberg's boss, Prime Minister Goran Persson, told the daily newspaper Expressen that he had other priorities; ``It's more important that the hotel room is quiet, clean and comfortable than whether it has television channels showing porn.''
But Persson added, smiling; ``I promise I'll look into the issue.''
More Sybian Mail...........
"My wife 'tested' one (Sybian) last night at a club. She absolutely loved it, and had to be forcible restrained from giving the guy her credit card, home phone, first born etc...right there on the spot! Maybe if she's very good, or very bad, there will be one under the Christmas tree.
The G in G -String
An interesting question was raised on the Society for Human Sexuality mailing list: How did the G-string get its name? Some suggested it was its shape that sort of looked like a G. But musicians started discussing the possible relationship to musical instruments:
"I guess no one on this mailing list has ever taken piano lessons. If one looks under the hood of a piano you would see lots of strings. The strings are in groups composed of A-string, B-string, C,D,E,F and finally a G-string. In each group the G-string is the is the skinniest, hence, G-string bikinis and phrases like 'Its skinnier then a G-string'.
Someone else said: "that's funny, I took violin lessons, and the g-string was the thickest!"
And another said: "I am a classically trained pianist. The G-string is not necessarily the skinniest, because the low notes in the piano are big thick copper bands. In fact, I was playing a Gig and during the performance I actually broke the lowest G-string. My friends now joke about that to me all the time. Not just any guy can break a G-string."
Interesting Facts About The Sexes reported by Glamour magazine:
A clean-living 37 percent of American married couples say they never take baths or showers together.
A picky 60 percent of American men declared they wouldn't sleep with Madonna if she asked.
Back in 1985, the average bra size of American Women was 34B. Today, its 36C.
TIRED OF BEING HARASSED BY YOUR PARENTS?
GET A JOB
PAY YOUR OWN BILLS
WHILE YOU STILL KNOW EVERYTHING
What is it like for a man to suffer impotence?
It's like playing pool trying to use a string as a cue.
"The Age of Consent If A Virgin?
The age of consent in Mississippi, is 18, but "If the female is over 12, the statute applies only to virgins." The interesting question is whose word are they going to take whether the girl was a virgin? Maybe they'll demand the girl show them the first bloody sheet so they can carbon date it or something.....
Man's Interest In G-Spot & Clitoris
If a man is interested in your G-spot to the exclusion of your clitoris, try being interested in his prostate to the exclusion of his penis.
"I just bought a Sybian and I live in an apartment (top floor). The noise and vibration produced by the Sybian shakes the floors, walls and has gotten my 67 yr. old downstairs neighbor alarmed. I can't be the first person who has had this problem. Do you know of anyone who has already dealt with this problem? If so do you know what they did? I'm already combing my yellow pages looking for "vibration dampening" products or some sort of rubber mat that might take care of the problem. So far no luck... Sybian on my bed is okay (not great though)... but it is still so noisy that I have had to wait until my next door neighbor (we share a common BR wall) isn't home. Any advice?" (Say you got a new vacuum cleaner? Seriously see our Sybian report for a more complete answer we gave this poor women.)
1000 Erect Wooden Penises For Sale
Regina, Canada (Reuter) - Saskatchewan is trying to sell 1,000 erect wooden penises meant for use in sex education classes, the Canadian Press reported. The province's educational department removed the penises, officially called "supplementary demonstrators", from the grade nine health curriculum after teachers complained they were inappropriate.
The wooden organs were intended to be used to teach 13- and 14- year olds the proper way
to use a condom. The department is hoping to return the offending teaching aids, worth
about $2,200, to the supplier or sell them to health or other educational agencies. So far
46 have been sold.
The Masturbating Monkey
Once I was in Houston, TX, and visited the zoo. There was this one monkey who had quite a crowd around his cage. He had this little act he would practice over and over to the amusement of the crowd. He would masturbate a couple of times, then stop and look around at the crowd with this guilty look on his face, then spank his hand, then look around to make sure everybody was watching, then repeat the same thing all over again. I'm not kidding, it really happened. Some Zoo worker probably taught him that little trick. Sure hope he wasn't imitating somebody in the crowd.
Why Every Family Needs a Martyr; Not Just For 70 Virgins
A Martyr is a revered title in Islamic religion usually reserved for heroes who sacrifice their lives for God or homeland in battle. But with the peace talks between Israel and the PLO, there aren't as many Palestinian martyrs dying in religious clashes these days. Yet martyrs are so prestigious that every family wants one. So, Palestinians who have died in car accidents, illness, and farming mishaps are being declared martyrs by their families and communities. Usually, the declarations are made in ads placed in local newspapers. So many of the recently deceased have been decreed martyrs some religious leaders say that martyr-inflation is out of control. But its not easy to come to a family and say, "Your relative is not a martyr: He's just dead."
Seventy Virgin Brides
It is easy to see why martyrdom is so coveted. For Muslims, there is no higher honor. A martyr goes straight to paradise, where he sits next to God, is absolved of all of his sins and enjoys 70 virgin brides. Moreover, in Palestinian society, the family of a martyr is accorded enormous social prestige. Relatives of a martyr often get first crack at jobs. The family is provided with monthly payments from various political organizations to help compensate for their loss. It's more rewarding for the living than the 70 virgins for the dead.
Women's Brains - Smaller......But.....Work Harder
Who's the real brains of the human species? Using sophisticated measuring techniques, University of Iowa Prof. Nancy Andreasen found that women's brains are smaller but more active, because more blood flows to them. Using magnetic resonance imaging, Andreasen also learned that men's brains are larger, even when body size is taken into account. Larger but slower for men. The conclusion is that overall both men and women are equal in intelligence and potential. Women, however, also tend to have more developed connections between left and right sides of the brain. This is thought to be why "less developed males", have to go through such detailed thinking while women have "feelings" about something that often turn out to be correct. Women are accessing their right brain intuitiveness while many men are more left brain analytical. It is also interesting to note that left handed people often are more right brained. Also more gays tend to be left handed and right brained. This makes sense since the left hemisphere of the brain controls most of the right side of the body. Of course there are many exceptions regarding brain size, activity and hemispheric dominance. However, studies have shown more than a random correlation among these factors.
Seedless Watermelons Corrupting Youth
NICOSIA, Cyprus (Reuter) - Iran's parliament voted to ban the sale of seedless watermelon deemed corrupting by Moslem clerics. Deputies voted for the bill after a two-day debate in which a minority argued that people should not be denied watermelon because it has no seeds. "The government has to defend Islamic and cultural values, just as it has to defend the borders...Spreading corruption, robbing the youth of moral values. Seedless watermelon promotes homosexuality and asexuality." The law will take effect after further debate on details of the bill expected in several weeks' time.
India's Roadside Romeos To Be Caged
Policewomen in parts of India will now wear sexy clothes and indulge in amorous acts and gestures to attract Eve teasers. Once in the trap of these policewomen decoys, the roadside Romeos will be paraded around the city in mobile cages, the Times of India newspaper reported. In an effort to curb the growing menace of Eve teasing, the police have positioned several mobile cages on the main roads. The words "Romeo Cages" are boldly painted on the cages pulled by big trucks hired by the police as a psychological deterrent. In most Indian cities, women are verbally and physically harassed by youngsters. The situation is the worst in the buses and trains.
Thailand Leader In Penis Reattachments
BANGKOK, July 17 (Reuter) - Thailand is becoming a world leader in a particular area of microsurgery thanks to some fiery members of its female population. Reattaching the penises of wayward men, sliced off by their jealous wives, is becoming a particular Thai skill in the operating theatre, Surasak Maungsombat, a senior surgeon at Bangkok's Siriraj Hospital, told Reuters. ``It's due to the number of cases we get. I've heard of one in Taiwan, one case in Australia, one in Japan in 1976. Our team here has had 30 cases since 1978,'' Surasak said. All but one of his 30 patients had their organs cut off by enraged wives, he said. ``It seems that some Thai women just can't tolerate extra- marital affairs and do this, which is different from women elsewhere who would just divorce their unfaithful husbands,'' he said. Ideally the patient and his severed penis should be brought to the operating theatre within six hours of it being cut off but, if properly frozen, a severed penis could still be re-attached a day after the event. Surasak said the key to success was re-attaching the main blood vessels which ensure the organ functions properly. One of his happy patients claimed to have fathered two children after his penis was re-attached, he said. In 1994 in the United States manicurist Lorena Bobbit severed her husband's organ in retaliation for his alleged sexual assaults on her. The penis was re-attached.
Brazil Survey: Men Over 60 Are Not Over Sex
Rio De Janeiro (Reuter, 5 Aug 1996) - Nearly twice as many Brazilian men over age 60 are sexually active than women in the same age group, according to a survey of sexual practices by a Rio psychologist. Arnaldo Risman interviewed 128 retirees attending Rio's Open University of the "Third Age" over two years and found that 73 percent of the men and 38 percent of women said they still had an active sex life after they had turned 60. Around 74 percent of the entire group said they masturbated regularly, according to the survey published in this weeks Istoe magazine. Sexologist Ana Cristina Barbosa commented in the article that "women think that sexuality is going to end with menstruation. Sexual desire never grows old. Certainly an erection is not the same (at that age) and a woman may take more time to become sexually aroused, but it is nothing that a good cuddle can't sort out." According to the survey, hairy chests were what did the trick for 82.5 percent of the women polled, although 68.5 percent also found silver hair exciting, while 63.3 percent got a thrill from a well-kept beard. Only 67.8 percent were turned on by a large penis and 54.1 percent by a broad chest, the survey said.
Women in Biblical Times
Q. What do spaghetti and women have in common?
Condoms Too Big For Italian Studs
It would be humorous if not so sad:
If Your Erection Lasts Too Long
Chimps Swap Meat For Sex
Viagra gives plants a boost -Israeli researcher
JERUSALEM, July 18,1999 (Reuters) - The lifespan of plants, fruit and vegetables could be doubled with a dose of the impotence treatment drug Viagra, but the cost would be punitive, an Israeli university researcher said on Sunday.
``Plants aren't all that different from people,'' said Professor Yaacov Leshem, a plant physiologist at Bar-Ilan University who has headed the research project over the past few months. ``It helps prevent ageing and helps them stay erect.''
Leshem found that two or three milligrams of Viagara dissolved in water when applied to a cut flower helps slow down the emission of ethylene, a gaseous hormone that causes fruit, vegetable and plant ripening, ageing and eventually spoilage.
From The Bangkok Post 25 July 1999
To dye for
Policewomen are dyeing to look good in their jobs. And in addition to colouring their hair, they are cutting their skirts shorter and putting on the makeup and jewellery. Now, their superiors have ordered the policewomen to stop looking so good. Hair should be black, skirts should be knee length or longer _ and wash off the makeup, say the regulations. The policewomen were unamused. ``Imagine yourself in a long skirt with a pale face and no hairdo,'' said one. ``I'm almost 30,'' lamented another. ``Who'll lay eyes on me if I don't make an effort to look my best?''
1943 JOB STANDARDS AND RULES FOR HIRING WOMEN
The following is an excerpt from the July 1943 issue of Transportation Magazine. This was serious and written for male supervisors of women in the work force during World War II - a mere 57 years ago! Obviously, the intent was not to be "funny," but by today's standards, this is hilarious and also remarkably profound..... For those of you with efficiency issues, pay attention to #8.
Eleven Tips on Getting More Efficiency Out of Women Employees
There's no longer any question whether transit companies should hire women for jobs formerly held by men. The draft and manpower shortage has settled that point. The important things now are to select the most efficient women available and how to use them to the best advantage.
Here are eleven helpful tips on the subject from Western Properties:
1. Pick young married women. They usually have more of a sense of responsibility than their unmarried sisters, they're less likely to be flirtatious, they need the work or they wouldn't be doing it, they still have the pep and interest to work hard and to deal with the public efficiently.
2. When you have to use older women, try to get ones who have worked outside the home at some time in their lives. Older women who have never contacted the public have a hard time adapting themselves and are inclined to be cantankerous and fussy. It's always well to impress upon older women the importance of friendliness and courtesy.
3. General experience indicates that "husky" girls -- those who are just a little on the heavy side -- are more even tempered and efficient than their underweight sisters.
4. Retain a physician to give each woman you hire a special physical examination -- one covering female conditions. This step not only protects the property against the possibilities of lawsuit, but reveals whether the employee-to-be has any female weaknesses which would make her mentally or physically unfit for the job.
5. Stress at the outset the importance of time -- the fact that a minute or two lost here and there makes serious inroads on schedules. Until this point is gotten across, service is likely to be slowed up.
6. Give the female employee a definite day-long schedule of duties so that they'll keep busy without bothering the management for instructions every few minutes. Numerous properties say that women make excellent workers when they have their jobs cut out for them, but that they lack initiative in finding work themselves.
7. Whenever possible, let the inside employee change from one job to another at some time during the day. Women are inclined to be less nervous and happier with change.
8. Give every girl an adequate number of rest periods during the day. You have to make some allowances for feminine psychology. A girl has more confidence and is more efficient if she can keep her hair tidied, apply fresh lipstick and wash her hands several times a day.
9. Be tactful when issuing instructions or in making criticisms. Women are often sensitive; they can't shrug off harsh words the way men do. Never ridicule a woman -- it breaks her spirit and cuts off her efficiency.
10. Be reasonably considerate about using strong language around women. Even though a girl's husband or father may swear vociferously, she'll grow to dislike a place of business where she hears too much of this.
11. Get enough size variety in operator's uniforms so that each girl can have a proper fit. This point can't be stressed too much in keeping women happy.
Jeanne Blum--Woman Heal Thyself
One evening, after attending the theater, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well dressed and attractive young lady walking ahead of them. One of them turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $250.00 to spend the night with that woman."
Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard the remark, turned around, and replied, "I'll take you up on that offer."
She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his companion good night, the man accompanied the young lady to her apartment.
The following morning the man presented her with $125.00 as he prepared to leave. She demanded the rest of the money, stating "If you don't give me the other $125.00, I'll sue you for it."
He laughed, saying "I'd like to see you get it on these grounds."
Within a few days, he was surprised when he received a summons ordering his presence in court as a defendant in a lawsuit. He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case.
His lawyer said "She can't possibly get a judgment against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case will be presented."
After the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer addressed the court as follows: "Your honor, my client, this lady, is the owner of a piece of property, a garden spot, surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of $250.00. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purposes for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises, he paid only $125.00, one-half of the amount agreed upon. The rent was not excessive, since it is restricted property, and we ask judgment be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance."
The defendant's lawyer was impressed and amused by the way his opponent had presented the case. His defense, therefore was somewhat different from the way he originally planned to present it. "Your honor," he said, "my client agrees that the lady has a fine piece of property, that he did rent such property for a time, and a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property around which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, and erected a pump, all labor performed personally by him. We claim these improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the unpaid amount, and that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for the rental of said property. We, therefore, ask that judgment not be granted."
The young lady's lawyer answered thus "Your honor, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property. However, had the defendant not known that the well existed, he would never have rented the property. Also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft, and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only dragged the equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making the property much less desirable to others. We, therefore, ask that judgment be granted."
In the Judge's decision, he provided for two options: "pay the $125.00 or have the equipment detached and provided to the plaintiff for damages."
The defendant wrote a check immediately.
"We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his
hands for masturbation." -- Lily Tomlin
1. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
2. Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he'll be a mile way - and barefoot.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a holy person any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
You Know It's Time To Join E-mailers Anonymous When. . . .
You wake up at 3 am to go to the bathroom and stop to check your E-mail on the way back to bed.
You name your children Eudora, AOL and dotcom.
You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap . . . and our child in the overhead compartment.
You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
You can't call your mother . . . she doesn't have a modem.
You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.
Why is a useless gift or possession called a "white elephant?
Of course, if the gift were literally a white elephant, that would make it pretty useless. To what possible good use could you put a pachyderm, no matter what the color? But we're not being literal, so why do we invoke this big pale beast to describe what you got from your Uncle Irving--that electric can opener shaped like a washing machine?
White elephants were rare even in Siam (the modern Thailand). If you found one the emperor automatically owned it and you couldn't harm it. When the emperor wanted to punish someone, he gave him or her a white elephant as a "gift." They couldn't ride it or work it, but they still had to take care of it and clean up after it. And you know what elephants do besides eat. So the gift was useless. Hence the expression.
About a hundred years ago Harrod's, in London, was the first department store to have an escalator. The store served brandy to anyone who felt faint from the ride. I guess it gave them a lift.
Just For Grins
Windows: Just another pane in the glass.
Who's General Failure & why is he reading my disk?
All computers wait at the same speed.
DEFINITION: Computer - A device designed to speed and automate errors.
Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.....
Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...
Error Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
"640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981
Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS
Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...
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