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Promoting Intimacy and Other-Centered Sexuality
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Polyamory: A Man's Point of View
By Maximillian, reprinted with permission from Glendower, A Panfidelity Newsletter
Being in a polyfidelitous or polyamorous relationship is a new way of life and thinking
for me. My personal life experience and background certainly never prepared me
for this situation, the emotions, or the conflicts that this new "way"
of life would create. As a typical male, from a typical middle class family, I expected
to marry and cleave to one woman for my whole life. The saying about "best
laid plans" comes to mind as I ponder the discussions that preceded the decision
by my soul mate and myself to have a polyfidelitous relationship.
It seems it is a violation of some basic human rule of order for one to love more
than one mate at a time, or such had been my training. It was permissible to feel
an emotional bond with one's kin, but amour was to be reserved only for that certain
someone. In the case of the male, this seems to be almost a predatorial instinct,
the protection of one's turf/territory from marauders, the defense of one's possession.
It is a difficult instinct to overcome, and the ugly emotions it evokes, jealousy,
anger, and envy, are not easily closeted. I do not claim to have perfected my control
over all these, but have come to realize that they are superseded by a more real
and pressing need that my soul mate felt. I had to awaken to the fact that my mate
needs the close company of others.
This initially sparked feelings of inadequacy in me. I began to wonder what part
of her soul I did not reach, what portion of her heart I had left devoid. It was
through her consistent reassurance, and total honesty, that I was able to begin
to understand her needs. She is an extremely complex individual, with a tremendously
multifaceted personality. Her nature is to touch people on many different levels,
and she has always been so.
I began to realize, with her help, that is was not so much any failing of mine,
but the diversity of her that sparked her need for others. I also came to understand
that for one as deep as my mate is, that simple friendships are far too surface
and unfulfilling. She has a deep need, almost a mission, to give to others on a
more substantial level. This level is only attainable through developing an intimacy
that cannot be restricted.
Throughout our extensive discussions of all facets of this "new" idea,
she assured me that only with me as her anchor, did she feel safe making the voyage.
I now understand that she is too intricate, too diverse, to ever be truly fulfilled
by an intimate relationship with only one person.
Having accepted that these are her needs, and fully understanding the conditions
that apply to her attaining them, there comes the matter of fulfillment. There
is no doubt that for me, the man, it would be easier to have her mine and only mine,
shared by none, all the marvelous things she is, solely for me. But that is not
what love is for or about. The bond I share with her would never permit me to deny
her anything that was within my power to give.
She is not my possession, not some article to display, she is a unique and wonderful
being, so full of love that she wants to share it. It is the grandest stroke of
fortune that I had the luck to become part of her life. How could I deny her desire
to share some of the boundless love she breathes like air, when she has so much
to give? So many people would offer their mate for a night of passion, but would
shudder at the thought that person might actually mean something to their mate.
My mate is so dynamic a person, her gift of herself so rare and so beautiful, that
it would seem a travesty against Nature for her to offer it to one she cared nothing
about. She has not faltered to show her love to me through any trial, and though
she has drawn others to her, it seems to only enrich that which we have grown together.
I know I should never doubt her bond with me, but instead let her grow to become
who she will, and grow with her. If I let my soul and reason rule the day, and
forsake the urge to ownership, then I show her the respect, trust and love I feel
It is not always simple to live by the standards I have set forth above. Old habits,
old creeds and canons do not go gracefully. But I have made her happiness my singular
goal, for my love for her will permit nothing else. I ask her only to seek another
who will care for her, and respect her, as I do. When she finds such a person,
I rejoice with her. I see no risk of loss, other than the loss of my ridiculous
male vanity, things which I found to have little value on the open market anyway.
When I lie in her arms, and see the glow in her eyes, I know that she is happy,
and no treasure could be more precious than that.
There is a richness of heart in her, a wealth of caring and loving that is so rare
in this sad and desperate world that I would be bereft of character not to share
it. As she grows, I grow with her as well.
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