PO Box 55045, Phoenix Az 85078-5045
Promoting Intimacy and Other-Centered Sexuality
COPYRIGHTED 1997 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED - MAY BE REPRINTED OR QUOTED FROM ONLY IF CREDIT IS GIVEN LIBERATED CHRISTIANS, MAILING ADDRESS IS SHOWN AND WE ARE SENT A COPY OF PUBLICATION.
Many couples enjoy seeing their mates enjoying sexual pleasure with someone else, without jealousy or fear of loss. Many happily married committed couples are opening themselves up to finding other couples to be close friends and also open to exploring sexual sharing to add variety to their already fulfilled sex lives. Just like they can love more than just one child, many couples find they can sincerely love other adults as people and spirits without loving their life partner any less. Many couples that don't need outside relationships to be fulfilled, find expanding their sexual options enhance their already wonderful relationship with their mates.
If you are like most people who want to explore responsible open relationships,
you feel very isolated in a culture that assumes that monogamy is the only legitimate
option for intimate relationships. For years open people have learned to stay safely
in the closet. Unfortunately, closets are notoriously poor places to meet people.
Gays, lesbians, bisexuals, etc. have managed to create viable subcultures, but those
of us who want sincere long term open relationships are often adrift in the hostile
mainstream of indoctrinated society.
The Swinging Lifestyle Myth
There are myths galore about swinging. Are they without morals, oversexed, guilt-ridden and shameful slugs of the sexual underground? Is it true that women only swing because their husbands forced them? Swingers are very ordinary people who admit to themselves they want their sex lives to involve more than what a purely monogamous relationship can deliver. They choose the freedom to act to broaden the range of their activities without endangering their relationships or their families.
The swinging lifestyle attracts people from all walks of life and
professions. Don't be surprised to learn that the innocent-looking wife next door
likes to drag two or three men onto a bed at a time and be smothered with their
attentions without any guilt.
Swingers are not cheating on their spouses, rather they do it together or with each other's knowledge and consent. Swinging allows all humans to fulfill their need to be enjoyed, admired and sexually attracted to people of the opposite sex in addition to their own partner. Swinging can allow you to enjoy a different sexual rhythm with someone you click with as a friend as well as sex partner. The loss of sexual anxieties and heightened self confidence account for much of swingers' enthusiasm.
Swinging is not the bar scene with guys trying to hit on women. Women
tend to be just as interested in what is between a man's head as between his legs.
It is committed couples allowing themselves to share special friendships and intimacy
with other couples they enjoy. It's like an extended family.
Sensitivity and Consideration
Swingers love sex but they also love people and treasure the close friendships that develop. Couples are looking for sensitivity and understanding not just sex objects. Those who do not share this considerate attitude will not be invited a second time by most swing groups.
The byword is consideration; ladies going to their first swing party
won't be abused. The men are in average condition; most will never be Chippendale
material. The women are also average as in the general population. The men are not
mythical studs; the ladies are not whores.
Swinging involves social interaction, including the possibility of
sexual interaction if mutually desired, so those who wish to explore the lifestyle
need not fear ostracism or rape. All a couple needs to cope at the first swing party
is a concern for the feelings of each other and common sense. If all you want to
do is talk with others about the lifestyle, your find conversation easy. You won't
be laughed at if you choose not to undress; remember, it is very likely that everyone
at the party exercised great caution before deciding swinging was something they
wanted to do.
You Will Not Like Everyone
Some people you may meet are not the ideal swingers. But if you take the time to relate to people, you will find most couples are very considerate, especially if they know you are still exploring the lifestyle. As in all of life, some people you will connect with and have much in common, and with others you will not. You need to confidently say thank you for asking but I'd really rather not if someone approaches you that you don't want to relate with.
Jealousy & Women's Sex Drive
Women are usually less prone to jealousy than men. Women more often go through feelings of inadequacy. Men more often have to work through feelings of jealousy. Women overcome inadequacy when they find that other men find them attractive and want to share with them.
Women don't tend to be jealous but they are initially more afraid,
often coming to their first experience because their husband wants to go. Women
don't know if the men will have diseases or if they are going to jump on them. Women
only want special guys because that's how they have been taught all their lives.
They are not sexually oriented the same way men are. With men its sex and love and
with women it's love and then sex. With experience and just talking with others
the first few times, women learn that there are nice people who are swingers, that
they have families, and learn sexuality is acceptable rather than a dirty private
thing. Men have a high sex drive; that seems to be the nature of life. But women
do not have by nature a high sex drive until they are within a relationship with
someone they enjoy. Although slower to enter the lifestyle, women tend to become
the most enthusiastic once they relax and start relating to others. A woman's sexuality
is often stronger than man's, once she is willing to trust and relax.
The Christian and Swinging
The Bible has been misquoted and mistranslated to falsely suppress sexuality. There is nothing inconsistent with biblical Christianity and open responsible relationships. In fact, such sincere relationships may be much more in line with Christ's teachings. We have prepared extensive papers on Biblical Sexuality that discuss in great depth all the scriptural issues. Clearly, responsible non-monogamy should not be a problem for Christians that understand the original texts as understood in the culture in which the Bible was written.
Other Brief Ideas
"Swingers" are known to have a lower than normal divorce rate. One study showed divorce rate among swingers was only 5% compared to the normal rate of 40% for traditional marriages. Swinging is for people who like people. There is more honestly of feelings between couples and can make a marriage more exciting with openness and carefully selected sexuality with other friends.
The initial reluctance of women can be traced to how most women (and
many men) were brought up to think about sex. We have been told that sex and love
have to go together. No one wants to be exploited, but most humans relish the idea
of pleasure with sincere caring and love for another as a person, but not as a permanent
Sex can offer so much more if we break the chains of our indoctrination
and understand that sex -accompanied with caring - is beautiful in itself. Studies
have also shown a much lower incidence of sexual diseases among sexually responsible
and informed people. AIDS is really not an issue since heterosexual men are acting
as a block to its spread. Women should use condoms until they are sure the male
is not bisexual or a drug user. Your risk of getting killed in an auto accident
on your way to the swing club is probably 10,000 times higher than getting AIDS.
While women do have to be more careful, it is statistically almost impossible for
a male to get AIDS from a female by heterosexual sex. We have prepared a very extensive
report on the real facts and risks of AIDS without the false scare tactics.
Historically Few Cultures Monogamous
Highlights from Omni Magazine 9/93: In the West, we assume the "natural condition" is monogamy, with significant investment in offspring by the husband/father. But a worldwide sample of over 1,500 human cultures strongly argues that the vast majority either encourage or at least tolerate polygyny - several women married to a single man. In most cultures, women would be furious if a law were passed that decreed they could not become the second, third, or sixth wife of a wealthy, high-status male when the alternative was a monogamous union with a poor, low-status male. High-status males almost always have numerous wives and lowest status the fewest. Clearly, culture makes a huge difference.
Time Magazine August 15, 1994 features a very extensive article "Infidelity
- It may be in our genes" which confirms the unnaturalness of trying to be
More On The Monogamy Myth
In previous reports we've discussed how unnatural and unusual monogamy has been in human history. Here is some more interesting information. Nearly 1,000 of the 1,154 past or present human societies ever studied have been non-monogamous (either polygyny or polyandry). For a more thorough discussion see "History of Marriage systems", by G.R. Quale, or some of the many other scientific, historic references available.
Anglican Bishop Says "Adultery is built in to the genes"
Source: Adam Magazine 9/95
LONDON- An Anglican bishop has come out and stated that adultery is built in to the genes, and that humans were not born to be sexually faithful. "God knew when he made us that he has given us a built-in sex drive to go and sow our seeds...I think it would be wrong for the church to condemn people who have followed their instincts," said Bishop of Edinburgh Richard Holloway in a speech on sex and Christianity. More conservative bishops leapt to condemn Holloway, who has also drawn heat for suggesting that legalizing drugs and prostitution could curb the spread of AIDS. (Dave comments: in biblical times this built in sex drive for sexual variety was recognized for men who could have as many wives and concubines as they could afford and this was never spoken against. Today women simply the have the same freedom of sexual expression and variety as men have always had).
Sexual Pleasure Sharing Much
More Than Intercourse
Often we fear our sexuality based on society pressures, religion or past unpleasant experiences. Therefore, we are often unable to experience the beauty of sexual pleasure sharing. When we think of sex, we usually only think of intercourse.
Whole body sexuality can be even more loving and intimate with no
concern about disease. For women, intercourse is often not the best way for maximum
pleasure, but many men do not know how to give a woman maximum pleasure. Tantra
sex techniques can also be very intimate and wonderful. Having our naked bodies
caressed all over and warmly held with love and affection is as vital to our emotions
as eating and drinking is to our health.
Maximum sexual pleasuring techniques are a learned skill. Only the
very basics come naturally which are not always the most enjoyable. But when we
have been taught that sex is so dirty that we must save it for marriage, and then
only have one partner, how do we learn maximum pleasure sharing? Sexual pleasure
sharing is learned just as walking and talking is learned, by experience and practice.
We do not "give ourselves away" by sharing sexually. When
we share, we each gain more, the knowledge we share is not reduced but expanded
through reaction and sharing with others. Similarly in sexual sharing we don't save
it, we share it and grow and find more and more meaningful experiences. If at some
point an exclusive relationship is desired, such as in marriage, sexual pleasure
in that relationship will be enhanced by previous experimentation and experiences
with a selective but wider range of trusted intimate friends.
Women's More Equal Sex is Better
Loving open Americans sex lives are better than ever. There's been a phenomenal change in women's sexuality and, therefore, their partners. Women are saying "I'm an equal partner in bed. I expect pleasure too." Many men like the "new" more aggressive woman, and being on the receiving end at times and are learning how to please a woman and enjoy foreplay and afterplay. Studies all show that those who can communicate about sex are the ones with the best sex lives. We need to practice more oral sex - opening our mouths and discussing what we enjoy the most or what we want to try.
Changing Views Of Sexuality -
Leads To A Better Society
It seems obvious with all its sexual repression the United States is not a sexually healthy society. Sexuality is also a very important issue in determining the happiness of people in other areas. Sexual repression leads to abuse, frustration and psychological damage. In a society full of tease and titillation, but little meaningful sexuality (sex is so dirty have to save it for marriage and then suppose to be experts with no experience), all sort of bad things happen out of sexual frustration.
Our society needs to learn how to discuss sexuality openly if we are
going to start healing our unhealthy sexuality and sexual abuse. This is especially
important to women, many of who are fed up with all the men whose only thought of
sexually is thrusting genital sex, while most women seek more intimacy and variety
of many types of sexual stimulation. In the past (especially in biblical times)
when women were more just there to serve men, this was less of a problem.
Today, women are demanding their own sexual fulfillment and experiencing
a great deal of frustration from men having no idea how to maximize the sexual pleasure
of a woman. Responsible Non-monogamy allows men to be trained by different women
in different sexual techniques and for women to enjoy different techniques from
different men. Together, we can all learn and grow in our knowledge of giving and
receiving sexual pleasure as part of loving caring, other pleasure centered relationships.
The number of sex-positive people is rapidly growing in the United
States. More and more people are becoming willing to be open and admit their needs,
desires, and frustrations. Many sex-positive groups are leading workshops and are
open to leaning and experimentation. Often it's women that have become the prime
activists in this area since they are demanding their own sexual fulfillment.
The biggest blocks to a more healthy sexual society is the traditional
religious beliefs based on mistranslated and misunderstood biblical texts that have
no relevance to today's loving responsible non-monogamous relationships. What is
particularly ironic is the ignorance of many Christians about the biblical culture,
where adultery was only wrong for a married woman and men could have as many wives
and concubines (breeders) as they wished. In many ways biblical sexuality was far
more positive but was male dominated. Wives and children were simply the property
of their husbands/fathers. Today's responsible non-monogamous relationships can
be a much better example of Christ's love than the false teachings of traditional
The Christian Moral View
The religious view of a society has a profound impact on the emotional health of its people and on the quality of their interpersonal relationships.
A major distinction between Eastern and Western religious views is
in regard to sexuality. From the East we have the wonderful integration of sexuality
and spirit as seen in Tantra and other teachings that result in much more sexual
fulfillment than in Western culture. In the West, God is viewed as omnipotent, intolerant,
who rules over all (especially women) with the ideal of woman being a virgin insisting
on strict moral obedience (often the results of mistranslated scriptures) where
sex is somehow dirty and the opposite of spirituality. This Western view is a recipe
for endless hostility and conflict between the sexes. The irony is for those that
look more seriously at scripture to understand what it really was saying in the
culture it was written, we understand the beliefs are based on false tradition rather
than an accurate reflection of scripture.
This sex-negative Christian moral view, although in a long slow decline,
is going to be with us for a long time in the West and continues to influence our
laws, our perceptions of one another, and the character or our personal lives. Its
result is conflict, estrangement, and hostility between the sexes. In earlier times
women were not able to be empowered due to their economic dependence on men and
their encumbrance with the care of children. But today, with effective birth control
and the growing economic independence of women, women are taking the lead in demanding
more sexually empowering honest discussion and exposure of the false teachings of
Feminism's Fight For A Sex-Positive
Feminism today is the fight to gain women's equality in all aspects of life including the right to sexual equality and pleasure by having the right to make their own decisions over their sexuality. They fight thousands of years of a male dominated culture. "Since women have been used as sexual icons for so many years without being the primary receivers of sexual pleasure, gaining control of women's sexuality and educating women about their sexual pleasure potential is a crucial feminist issue," says Devra Schwartz, owner of Passionate Living, which use to be a magazine promoting sex-positive attitudes and non-monogamy as a possible better choice for women.
GOOD GROUPS AND PUBLICATIONS
We have a very good relationship with The Lifestyles Organization, have presented at Lifestyle conventions, and get many referrals from them, especially regarding Christian issues. We also present at many other swing conventions. We totally support swinging, even though it is not our primary interest. In addition to our extensive swinging section of our web site, and the many links we have, we primarily refer you to The Lifestyles Organization at http://www.Playcouples.com.
NASCA - North American Swing Club Assn is part of The Lifestyles Organization. They will send any COUPLE on request their information by calling them at 714-821-9953. They have a national directory of clubs for $10 and Publish Emerge Playcouple Newsletter for members and sponsor annual Lifestyles Convention with over 3000 attendees from all over the world celebrating erotic life with great workshops, discussions and erotic activities to enhance ones love life. Liberated Christians did a presentation at the 1994 and 1995 Lifestyles Convention, "Swinging-Not a Biblical Conflict" that received a very positive response. Audio or video tape available of both by calling NASCA.
In addition to our workshops, and vast materials on web site, we highly recommend publications of Loving More, especially:
BRAND NEW! The New Love Without Limits by Dr. Deborah Anapol. This book is "must have" reading for anyone interested in a polyamous lifestyle. Deborah and Loving More teamed up to reprint her original classic, now with updated
chapters, resources, and new material combined with the best of the original book. Perhaps the most widely read book on polyamory ever and certainly one of the best.
Loving More-The Polyfidelity Primer by Ryam Nearing Ryam's classic "how to" on group marriage and poly relationships in general. Focused primarily on polyfidelity with many good tips, worksheets, and advice on how to start a
local group. Very good definitions of different styles of poly relationships.
Both books as well as Loving More Magazine and much more can be found at http://www.lovemore.com
The Erotic Silence of the American Wife by Dalma Heyn Signet Books, 1992. This national bestseller is now available in paperback about monogamy as a patriarchal, misogynist institution more women are rejecting. More and more women are being empowered to not sell their sexuality out but that women's pleasure is valid and important. Many women are finding that polyfidelity relationships enhances their lives by allowing more pleasure, intimacy and companionship once they overcome the conditioning and guilt of a male dominated culture that prevent them from openly seeking this enhancement.
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