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Women In Polyamory
Presentation Highlights Of Deborah Anapol & Ryam Nearing
Reviewed by Dave
Dr. Deborah Anapol
Deborah has a Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology. In 1984 Deborah founded IntiNet Resource Center as a support network and educational source for non-monogamous women. Her "Love Without Limits" book I highly recommend for learning about responsible non-monogamy as much more loving than most possessive, monogamous relationships.
For 15 years Deborah drifted in monogamous relationships based on what society had expected till she discovered how unfulfilling they were for her. Once she became aware of herself as a poyamourous woman she realized there are other options to monogamy. In today's culture, it is realized that men are naturally interested in sexual variety, but a women is considered a "slut" if she also wants to express her natural interest in variety in her sexual options. Monogamy is a valid choice for some peopleat some times. But it is not a valid choice when no other valid moral options are known.
IntiNet's purpose was to gain acceptance, especially for women to choose legitimate non-monogamous lovestyles as a choice. More recently Deborah founded The Sacred Space Institute which promotes what seems to be ac mixture of New Age, Tantra and Shamanic Sexual/Spiritual Beliefs.
Ryam is founder of Polyfidelity Educational Productions and more recently Loving More.. Ryam years ago became tired of a culture where love is viewed as such a small word. The Myth is that love can only be shared with two people. Reality is very different. Over 96% of all mammals are non-monogamous. Studies show 40% of married men and 30% of married women have extramarital sex. In addition serial relationships are common, moving from one relationship or marriage to another, often for the sexual variety that is natural. Ryam has been with two male partners for 15 years in a totally committed polyfidelity group.
Our Immature Society Makes It Hard to Be True to One's-Self in Polyamory
The Church says its a sin (based on false English scripture translations). The State says its illegal so Ryam can't legally marry both her husbands no matter how committed she is towards them. Therefore, the people being true to theirselves are doing it in the closet much like gays and lesbians have had to be in the closet for many years. Gays and Lesbians however, are coming out, but people in non- monogamy are still too timid and afraid of cultural myths about sexuality. All this need to hide promotes the myth that it doesn't exist, especially for women.
Love Is Not Possessive
Many men and women are starting to realize that love doesn't mean possessiveness. Jealously is simply feeling you can't love anyone else because I want to possess you. Low self-esteem, rejection & fear are theprime reason for many stuck in the Nonmonogamy myth. This often results in being torn between two lovers when true love would mean loving both. Just as you can love more than one child, you can fully and sincerely love more than one relationship.
Four Lovestyle Options
1. Monogamy. A valid choice that seldom works. Monogamy is what society teaches is "right" and those disagreeing tend to hide.
2. Open Couples. Swinging as an example where you share sexually with others as a couple where you still have one primarily relationship. Avoids the cheating of monogamy and encourages open communications. Many couples find their prime relationships enhanced by the honest sharing of variety and being open with their partners, enjoying hearing about each other's feelings and experiences with other intimate partners.
3. Singles in Intimate Networks. Those wanting to remain more independent or who have not yet found anyone they want to be in a "couple" relationship with. Primary "couple" type relationship means someone you live with daily and share finances.
4. Polyfidelity Group. This can take the form of a group marriage or extended family where you have several spousal coupled relationships. Ryam prefers this situation since she wants the team structure, a group to come home to at night but not an exclusive relationship. It best shows the loyalty to shared values and commitment to each other's spirits rather than the ego of self-centered jealousy and ownership of a typical monogamous relationship. Intentional families are created by choice not by blood lines. Natural connectedness to others by choice results in much more fulfillment than just being born into a family which may have very different emotions and values.
All of these types of relationships work well for different people. Your desired relationship structure may change over time based on your own emotional needs or your connection with others or finding a group you desire. The purpose of Deborah and Ryam to share ideas and educate people on their relationships options, since only monogamy has been traditionally taught as a legitimate option.
In our patriarchal culture, in the past we have been taught that women are to be passive, to obey men, be fearful, uncertain and dependent. Women typically were encouraged to be homemakers, teachers, nurses or secretaries mostly to help the dominate male of society.
Since about the 1960s women have been slowly changing. The best selling book Wild Woman shows that a healthy woman is like a wolf. She is robust, adventurers, lifegiving, playful, strong, intuitive and sexual. Women are waking up to their true nature.
Women are realizing that its men who have forced the monogamy myth on women. This has been true since even before biblical times. Remember that in biblical times men could have as many wives and concubines as they wanted. Adultery was only wrong for a married woman since it violated her husband's property rights over her. But a woman had no such rights , so a man could have as many women as he wished - and it was not considered adultery.
Today 50% of married women are involved in domestic violence, often due to jealousy of her husband, whether justified or not.
Women are still under a great deal of pressure not to be sexual, especially with more than one person. Wild Woman helps remind women of their natural sexual and famine energies.
Non-monogamy is the majority action but its still in hiding. We encourage people to come out and claim your right to love who and how you want and to show the myth of monogamy.
Women More Or Less Sexual Than Men?
Women are just as naturally interested in sex as men, perhaps more so. Women can be multi-orgasmic and have a much broader range of sexual stimulation than men.
But women have been taught not to be sexual for so long that their sexual awareness has been dried up. Their sexuality can be awakened and become powerful again - like in Eastern cultures where women's powerful sexuality is wonderfully integrated with their spirituality. (See Liberated Christian reports on Christian Tantra and the Tao).
Another problem for women to experience their maximum sexuality is that most men have never been taught how to sexually pleasure a women. Men typically only know about thrusting intercourse, which for many women does not bring much sexual satisfaction. Men need to be taught intimacy as well as sexual skills. But our culture teaches celibacy till marriage and then only monogamy. This is the best way to keep women sexually repressed and under the influence and sexual control of men. Women are now demanding their own pleasure and revolting against such teachings. Responsible non- monogamy or polyfidelity provides options for both men and women to come together to seek, to learn, to grow and to share wonderful intimacy and sexuality skills that has too long been denied and hidden.
For More Information On Lovestyle Choices
Deborah Anapol - at http://www.lovewithoutlimits.com/
Ryam Nearing at http://www.lovemore.com
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