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Promoting Intimacy and Other-Centered Sexuality


A Social Worker's Thoughts on Sexual Dysfunction

10/02  Dear Dave,
Sexual desire is complex for both men and women. It has been stated that 43% of all women and 63% of all men - suffer from a sexual dysfunction - at some point in their lives.

As a 52 year old woman, who's had multiple orgasms via masturbation since the age of 7 - and 1 - 4 orgasms from intercourse - the "Look Ma - no hands" style - each time in less than 2 minutes - for over 33 years - I have found in my personal sexual experience that most men have some form of a sexual disorder. Some of my partners have suffered from sexual inhibition; lack of desire; impotence; premature ejaculation; and a paraphelia.

Human sexuality is a complex issue effected by the culture; childhood upbringing; religious conditioning; physical problems as diabetes and high blood pressure; sexual trauma; psychological problems as depression; relationship problems; medications; stress; fatigue; gender roles; aging and a myriad of problems that all contribute to sexual desire and sexual dysfunction. These conditions effect both men and women.

It has been in my personal observation and experience - and in my reading - that far more men suffer from a sexual dysfunction that women. Why? Their sexuality and plumbing is more complex and subject to more problems. It has to "work" for them to engage in a successful sexual encounter. That is a physiological reality. A woman doesn't have to "get it up" for sex or orgasms. Her equipment is always ready and willing for an orgasm.

Aside from this, it would be more beneficial to both sexes to focus less on a goal ( male ) defined sexual interaction - which is a male defined intercourse. Women can and do have orgasms from a female defined intercourse - in which the focus is on simultaneous stimulation of the mons veneris; inner labia; first third of the vagina; and the clitoris. In this style - the intercourse is primarily for the woman's orgasms and secondarily for the man's orgasm. It is very effective and works quickly to promote female orgasms. No woman engaging in this style of intercourse - loses interest in sex - unless there are partner issues to contend with. I know - having practiced this type of intercourse for over 33 years.

If this style of intercourse cannot be attained for some reason - ( and many men cannot have orgasms from intercourse, too, as in ejaculatory incompetence ) - then outercourse is the egalitarian solution. This will provide pleasure, intimacy, and orgasms for both men and women. This is equal, fosters sexual harmony for both sexes, and will do more for a couple than a pill. It is also safer in the age of STD'S and HIV. There's no realistic need for intercourse - unless a pregnancy is intended. It is an outdated sexual model that causes many problems for the man and the woman. There's more to sex than this.

A response would be appreciated. Thank you.

Dave replied in agreement and asking permission to publish her note. She replied;

I am a Social Worker by profession - and understand the complexities of human interaction - including sexuality. I have been married and divorced, with several relationships over the years. What I wrote to you about is based on my own experience; the experiences of other men and women; my readings and my own theories.

You have my permission to share my thoughts and observations with whom it will be of value to. You may use both my name and email address, if you like.

Thank you for your feedback. Please tell me, if you wish, how my views will be received by your audience.

Sexual Dysfunction Survey Stuns & Dave's Comments
February 10, 1999

The following article shows so many more women then men are not interested in sex. Perhaps that is why there are so many frustrated men wanting to participate in swinging but are not welcome as single men, or  seek to "convince" their wives or partners to be interested in swinging.   The abundance of male frustration and desperation to fulfill their natural sexual needs also explains the continued huge demand for sex workers and especially tours to Asia for young attractive adult women who enjoy their sexuality with older American men.  It's sort of like,"if American women don't meet their needs, we will", the 18 year old, attractive, slim, Asian bargirl in the Philippines or Thailand says. 

On the women's side I hear so many women who say they aren't interested in sex because most men don't have a clue what they really want. Most women want more than just thrusting, sucking and licking. Many women seek more intimate sexuality that has never been taught to men and too many men have no interest in it.

Many other women seek better physical sexual pleasure like G spot massage etc. Studies have shown the high percentage of women who never have orgasm with a man, but can with vibrators etc. Many men don't want to be taught or the women don't dare hurt their egos so they fake orgasms or have headaches.

I get so many E-mails  from women about their frustration not being fulfilled and also from men wanting more sex then their partner wants.

On the other hand, its great to see how many women who do take the plunge into swinging overcome their inhibitions and often turn into the wild sexual women than has been locked up and repressed so long.  But as the Survey shows a huge percentage of women have simply given up on sexuality, it seems.

My interest in sexwork first began as the result of seeing the potential of sex workers to be healers as well as providing healthy sexual options for frustrated men or men like myself that simply enjoy variety. I have realized for a long time I am odd in also not seeking pure physical sex but more intimate sexuality even  in swinging.  On the other hand I do see more and more men also moving in this direction but we still are a very small minority of males!

When couples learn more intimate sexuality, I've heard many wonderful changes occur in both their sexual fulfillment. But as scientists and doctors most in the professions only look at the mechanics of sex and not enough under the emotional issues and women's seeking more intimacy not just hot sex like many men do.

We need more sexual teachers that can actually teach hands on, not just tell someone to read a book. But in our culture sexual teaching by sexworkers is illegal. We are about the only country left in the world that doesn't allow some form of sex work other than in California which has sex surrogacy provisions in the law.  But they are very restrictive, costly and only under direct care of a physician.

Enough of my comments - Here is the article
Sexual Dysfunction Survey Stuns
CHICAGO (AP) -- If you think you have sexual problems, you're not alone.

One the most comprehensive surveys in the United States in decades found that sexual dysfunction afflicts 43 percent of women and 31 percent of men, with problems that include a lack of interest in sex and the inability to have an orgasm.

``I think it gives us a base for explaining why we had this enormous response to Viagra,'' said Dr. Edward Laumann, a University of Chicago sociologist and the lead author of the study published today in the Journal of the American Medical Association.

And as grim as the findings are, the survey could offer hope to millions, many of whom think they're the only ones having trouble in bed, Laumann said.

``Often they don't even admit it to their partners. It's the old `I've got a headache' instead of `I don't feel like having sex,''' he said.

The researchers said problems with sex are often coupled with everything from emotional and health problems to lack of time, job pressures and money trouble. But they said they aren't sure which comes first -- stress or problems with sex.

The researchers based the findings on the 1992 National Health and Social Life Survey, a compilation of interviews with 1,749 women and 1,410 men.

The participants, ages 18 to 59, were asked if they had experienced sexual dysfunction over several months in the previous year. Sexual dysfunction was defined as a regular lack of interest in or pain during sex or persistent problems achieving lubrication, an erection or orgasm.

Lack of interest in sex was the most common problem for women, with about a third saying they regularly didn't want sex. Twenty-six percent said they regularly didn't have orgasms and 23 percent said sex wasn't pleasurable.

About a third of men said they had persistent problems with climaxing too early, while 14 percent said they had no interest in sex and 8 percent said they consistently derived no pleasure from sex.

Overall, 43 percent of women and 31 percent of men said they had one or more persistent problems with sex. Researchers had expected the overall numbers to be closer to maybe 20 percent for each sex.

Researchers said those in the survey who experienced sexual dysfunction often were more likely to be unhappy and more likely to describe their satisfaction with the partnership as unsatisfactory, Laumann said.

Dr. Domeena Renshaw, a Chicago-area sex therapist, said the results are not surprising, considering the long list of couples waiting to get into the sexual dysfunction clinic she has run at the Loyola University Medical Center since 1972.

In that time, she has treated nearly 140 couples who had never consummated their marriages, including a couple who had been wed for 23 years.

Study author Raymond Rosen, co-director of the Center for Sexual and Marital Health at the Robert Wood Johnson Medical School in New Brunswick, N.J., said the survey provides much-needed information about women, who have often been excluded from studies about sexual performance.

He said the findings are the most reliable since Dr. Alfred Kinsey did his landmark studies in 1948. Kinsey got similar results regarding impotence and failure to achieve orgasm but didn't ask about lack of sexual desire.

Too often, Rosen said, Americans have gotten their information about sex from magazines bought at the grocery-store checkout.

``As a scientist, it makes my hair stand on end,'' Rosen said. ``It's terrible.''

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