PO Box 55045, Phoenix Az 85078-5045
Promoting Intimacy and Other-Centered Sexuality
COPYRIGHTED 1997 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED - MAY BE REPRINTED OR QUOTED FROM ONLY IF CREDIT IS GIVEN LIBERATED CHRISTIANS, MAILING ADDRESS IS SHOWN AND WE ARE SENT A COPY OF PUBLICATION.
Women Who Rejected The Swinging Idea At First And Then Very Much Liked It
We are going to try to find a reprint some of the letters where women overcome their inhibitions and after perhaps many years of not being open to the idea of swinging, reluctantly agree to go and have a transformation in their attitude.
From our discussion of women in control in swinging:
"Interesting discussion about wife that was very hesitant to get involved in swinging but now is upset that a man she is attracted to did NOT fondle her while dancing. But men are constantly warned not to be too aggressive and now the woman is upset because the man was not aggressive enough! The swing club is like a dime coin. "It has four sides. On the one side is the No means NO rule. If a guy does something that you don't like, simply say... 'don't do that' and that's final. Then on the other side, separated by the thinness of the dime is the Please rule. If a guy is NOT doing something that you like...you have a RESPONSIBILITY to yourself to ask for it.
What are the other two sides of the coin? The inside and the outside or course! Inside the coin, you're inside a swing club, your safe here asking and doing things you want. The No rule RULES! Outside the club, these freedoms do not apply. Leave the jealousies and hangups out side the coin.
My wife is getting to like the club more and more. Two months ago she had her stance of 'NEVER...EVER...will I DO that!!.' Then she met (a man) and 'kinda like him...' then she met (another man) and 'He's a little aggressive, but funny, kind, considerate, and kinky.' Then she wore a sexy little lacy outfit one Friday night...Because 'I'm giving the message that people like me there....I'm accepted.' Then she met (man 3)... 'If I DID agree to go with (man 3), what do we do, what happens?' I damn near wet my pants when I heard that! I'm patient, I can wait... I'm having fun just being there right now. She however, is starting to have more fun than I am!!"
Host Couple Idea To Help Others & Party Reaction of New Couple
The following letter wonderfully expresses what we see as the perfect type of couple we want to reach and help. It shows the very common reaction of couples new to the lifestyle. We do not yet have a Sponsor Couple plan but eventually want to try and implement the great ideas and suggestions in this letter. Or, some more outgoing couples should just spontaneously help and greet new couples. But some formal structure and responsibility is not a bad idea. We share this in hopes it might help couples in other locations benefit and give ideas of what can be done. The letter was in response to a Group Newsletter discussing concerns of how to create more intimacy and make couples new to the lifestyle more comfortable:
"We appreciate your dilemma and concerns with Liberated Christians. Since we are novices at this, perhaps we can shed some light on being a "newcomer." Because of the fact you meet a number of people in the introductory sessions, I suspect you probably don't remember what we said when we came to our intro meeting. We had been looking at "swinging" for a while, had read a couple of books on the subject, and were interested in expanding our sexual horizons to some degree. We had been to one of the local clubs in Phoenix and felt threatened and very out of place. When we came to LC, we, like a number of others, came very close to backing out. But we took the step and came in, and quite frankly were very happy with those we met. For the first time, we didn't feel like every eye was on us, checking out our genitals, to be quite frank. We became acquainted with another couple there whom we ran into at our first "party" and spent some time talking to them.
In our conversation, both couples voiced the same concerns. Both of us came from a relatively strong religious background, which you deal with beautifully. Even with these discussions, however, there can be some guilt, especially when confronted with your first 'party'. When we went to Rick and Tracy's, we felt welcome, but were still somewhat overwhelmed at the games and where they eventually led with a number of people having sex in the same room. I suspect this is where a number of "new initiates" get lost.
It's a fairly radical step to move from a 20+ year history of a monogamous relationship to what can happen at a party. Although we didn't feel threatened, we didn't participate in the game because we weren't ready to take that plunge. We really weren't ready to go any farther, especially in a group setting. I have a suggestion that may help expand the group and help alleviate some of the fear experienced by some. This may not sit well with some of the more experienced members, and is only a suggestion. On the other hand, I think it could help relieve some tensions.
Suppose some more experienced couple essentially volunteered to act as the "sponsor" for new couples at their first one or two parties. In other words, someone who has been on the scene for a while could not only help others feel welcome, but help alleviate some tension and fear that may be present. I would suggest that the sponsoring couple dress in casual clothing, not some sexy attire. The evening could be spent discussing sex and swinging as a couple, how they felt the first time, their expectations, their experiences, etc. In other words, to allow the new people to relax and relate to some "real swingers."
If such a program were to be instituted, it could be announced at the introductory session, perhaps that couple could even attend to get to know the new members. I think the biggest obstacle that is present, at least for us and from the few we've talked to, is fear. Fear of not being accepted, fear of pressure to have sex with someone they are not familiar with, fear of AIDS, fear of emotional hang ups, fear of nakedness, fear of group sex, and all the things you talk about in your newsletter. In spite of all the writing and talking, there is something about having a "tour guide" that may make taking the plunge easier and more comforting.
I am not suggesting, and I think this should be clear if something like this were to be tried, that the sponsoring couple should "initiate" the new people into swinging. In fact, it may be nice if they didn't participate in sex or the games at all that evening. I think they should be there to talk and help out others considering becoming a part of the party crew at LC.
We have never considered LC as a threatening environment. However, it's sort of like jumping off the high dive for the first time. It's scary-what if I don't perform to someone else's expectations, what if I'm too fat, too skinny, what if I climax too soon or can't achieve an erection, what if my husband has sex but I don't, what if my kids or neighbors or boss found out what I was doing, what if ?
Now that I've made the suggestion, are we interested in being a sponsor. No. First of all, we're still in our monogamous relationship, so we don't know what we're talking about. Further, you know how far away we live and can't be relied on to come to every meeting, in fact, we've only been to one party. Perhaps if we were more experienced, we would. On the other hand, I think it would be great if one or two new couples could sit down and talk to someone like Rick and Tracy or Mary and Joseph, get to know them, be able to understand that they are real people with the same concerns that everyone else has, and help bring some newcomers along. It could not only help alleviate fear, but could also result in developing some new members that could become outstanding support for others considering this lifestyle.
So much for our dissertation, but perhaps you and Bill, and some others might find some merit in part of what we're saying. On the other hand, perhaps it's nothing more than junk. Regardless, we hope to attend some other meetings in the near future and perhaps we will become more active participants as we grow into the philosophy."
Dave's Notes: The party referred to had 47 people crowded into not that large of a home. We sometimes have done some games that involve different levels of nudity and play but no overt sexuality and no one is pressured to participate. I don't recall all the sex going on...was just a few people with their own partners and some intimacy in the Sybian room. One of our problems is that hardly any sex is occurring or spontaneous intimacy which has driven away most of the more experienced swingers looking for more action. But this is fine, because we enjoy newer couples just learning intimacy. I'd like to see more people just going off and cuddling together with different partners, without having to mean you have to have intercourse. We also discuss many of the issues in the 3 hour intro meeting as well as in the intimacy and massage followup sessions. But there is no substitute for couple-to-couple sharing and discussion. I believe the ideas shared in this letter are wonderful. This couple are exactly the type especially want to be "safe" for.
Another Women Had Terrible Experience In Another Group and thought she would never try the lifestyle again
A women in 1997 LC intro meetings shares how she went to another groups party and felt terrible about what went on and how she felt pressure to participate (when in Rome, do what the Romans do, as she said). She did what see thought was expected. Her husband had no idea of the inner turmoil within her at the time. Afterward it was doubtful she would ever consider open relationships again. It took her a long time to recover and even be open to LC. But her husband gently pestered her to just read our intro material. When she did she felt good about our ideas, but was very hesitant at her first party after having such a bad sexual experience in another group. I was privileged to share some intimacy with her first at a party and then privately, which turned out to be very positive. She is now one of the active leaders of LC and on the Steering Committee. The point is the first experience can be very important to a new person.
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